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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27665902">Come Back, I Still Need You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies/pseuds/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies'>Broken_Twisted_Lullabies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canonical Character Death, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Drowning, F/F, Grief/Mourning, I wish they got a happy ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Not A Fix-It, bly manor spoilers, do not copy to another site, jamie centric, s1e09 the beast in the jungle, sometimes i get nostalgic and want to just ramble a bit about the last episode</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:48:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,329</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27665902</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies/pseuds/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The gardener always knew this day would come, but she had figured they'd have more time.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dani Clayton/Jamie, Flora Wingrave &amp; Jamie, Jamie &amp; Owen Sharma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Come Back, I Still Need You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first time writing for this fandom and I hope I got Jamie's character right.  I watched Bly Manor with my roommates back in October but it's still stuck with me after all this time and while Hill House's ending had me teary eyed this had me outright sobbing. I wrote this because I was trying to write a spn fanfic that was a fix it of sorts to the last two episodes of the series (because those were shit, lets be real), and I wanted to try and encapsulate the grief of losing someone and somehow, my mind drifted back to Jamie and Dani and I just... I couldn't stop thinking about that scene of Jamie finding Dani. </p><p>This isn't perfect in any way and I finished this at midnight, didn't edit it, and I have neither expected the death of someone I loved dearly or a break-up. Instead, I tried to just play on this season's theme of love and obsession, of how Rebecca and Peter's relationship foiled Dani and Jamie, and how ghosts in general in this season worked. Hopefully, you like it and maybe one day I might venture more into this story with these characters??? Who knows.</p><p>Title is from Hold On by Chord Overstreet</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The gardener knew this would happen one day. </p><p>After all, she was no zookeeper, no animal trainer with a weapon sharp enough to snare and kill the beast that lurked within her lover’s jungle of a mind, hungry, and bitter, and waiting. </p><p>Always waiting.</p><p>Always watching. </p><p>For ten years, she tried to help keep it at bay. She had stook guard with every weapon she could, holding swords and knives and spears, waving them at this invisible beast as if saying, <em> you can’t have her.  </em></p><p>And for a while, it had worked. The beast that lurked and waited had backed off to the depths of the jungle, granting the gardener and her love ten years of love, of happiness, of peace. No looking over shoulders, or haunted eyes, it had been only the two lovers. Their days had been filled with love and laughter and so the gardener had let her guard down. She had believed the beast had left, had gone to sleep, and would never wake. After all, it had given them ten years, why not give them ten more? </p><p>So when her back was turned, the beast had slunk past, teeth flashing, claws sharp as talons, and it had grabbed onto her lover before she could realize what was happening. Granted, it had come in slow -- or at least, her eyes it had. How long had she been blind to it? -- but it held on tight, and she watched as her lover’s eyes grew haunted, her gaze drifted, how she turned from mirrors and reflections and water. </p><p>“It’s okay,” she murmured as she held her lover tight at night. “We can fight it.”</p><p>Because maybe love made her a bit of a fool, but she was still stubborn, and <em> they still had so much time.  </em></p><p>Evidently, she had been wrong. Her lover had gotten worse, her once bright eyes dull and filled with fear, her hands would shake sometimes, and her mind would wander. More than once, Jamie caught her lover staring at her reflection in mirrors and puddles and the water in the bathtub. It was as if the beast were everywhere she looked, and perhaps, it was. But Jamie couldn’t see it, and nothing could chase it away. </p><p>Still, she did what she could. She offered support and love and when her lover was lost and untethered and scared, Jamie was the arms that held her, Jamie was the light in the dark, and she was the light in her storm. </p><p>When she couldn’t feel anything, Jamie felt it all, and when it got too much, she shielded her as best as she could. But it would never be enough, and she was aware her lover’s time was borrowed and when the beast finally struck, it had been quiet. One moment, they were okay, the next, Jamie was marching towards the damn lake. </p><p>Without pausing, she heads into the water and begins swimming, thinking only one thing: <em> Take me with you. </em></p><p>When she reaches the middle of the lake, she dives under, kicking quickly, as she tries to reach the bottom of the lake. There’s nothing at first, just grass and weeds and a few rocks, but then she spots her and Jamie kicks harder, propelling herself down further. </p><p>There, peaceful as a dove, her lover lies, still as if she were asleep. Her long blonde hair dances in the water, floating about her in a way that makes her look almost angelic and if her eyes weren’t open, perhaps Jamie could pretend everything is okay. But it’s not and Jamie shouts at her lover, at the beast that resides within her, echoing words she once heard ten years ago. </p><p>
  <em> You. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Me.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Us.  </em>
</p><p>It was the words that allowed the beast to enter into her lover, and it would be the same words she’d use herself to try and be reunited with them once more. </p><p><em> Take me with you, </em>her heart cries, and Jamie shouts out her lover’s name, hoping to wake her, to reach her and pull her to the surface. </p><p>
  <em> If you’re gonna take her, take me too!  </em>
</p><p>But even when her lungs ache and she swims to the surface, frantically taking mouthfuls of air before diving back down, the lady that resides at the bottom of the lake never does. No matter how she begs or pleads or curse, the lady does not bend. </p><p>Where she once might’ve, things were different this time around. The lady of the lake had been driven by rage and anger and hurt, but now she was also her lover, who was gentle and kind and all too loving, and Dani would never, not ever, drag her down. She would not drown her lover, and she would not let Jamie do it either, and Jamie realizes that. </p><p>So when she goes up for air again, she doesn’t dive back down. Instead, Jamie swims slowly until she reaches the shallows of the lake and she kneels there, panting, staring at the ring on her finger. <em> Why did you come now </em> ? She asks the beast as she stares out at the lake. <em> I never even got to say goodbye </em>. </p><p>Jamie blinks, realizing she truly never did. They had gone to bed in each other’s arms, under the guise things would be okay, and now, here was Jamie, alone, soaked and kneeling in the lake, unable to rescue her lover. She twists the ring, and a sort of hollowness creeps in, whittling away at what’s inside of her, and Jamie lets it. Because this all hurts too much, and there’s nothing she can fix, and she doesn’t want to feel this hurt and helplessness. </p><p><em> I just want my lover again, </em> her mind begs, whimpering softly, and tears begin to fall, rolling down her cheeks. <em> Take me too, take me and let me be tucked away forever with her by my side.  </em></p><p>Because anything is better than what she is facing right now, and her memories are sweet and kind and do not feel like swallowing thorns. </p><p>
  <em> Just let me stay with her. I don't want to lose her. </em>
</p><p>But Jamie can’t have that. Nor, will she be able to bury Dani, and crouched there, Jamie has to accept her lover will still remain here, under the water forever. Jamie will age and remember and hurt and the lady of the lake never will. Instead, she will forget, and her mind will become lost and the water will smooth out every feature of her face until it is nothing but a blank canvas of the woman she once loved and knew. And that, that is a fate worse than death for someone who is so caring and willing to do anything for others. </p><p>Jamie will kneel in the lake for hours, even as the sun sets and the fog rolls in, and only once she’s shivering too much and she’s certain her lips are blue does she drag herself out of it. Still, though, she sits at the edge of the grass and stares out at the dark surface, waiting. Perhaps she might wake tonight, and walk out of the lake and she won’t have forgotten anything, and Jamie can pretend everything is okay. But that doesn’t happen, and Jamie knows she must accept that her lover is gone. Wiping away the tears, Jamie watches the sunrise and then reaches for her cellphone that she had somehow been lucky enough to drop before diving into the lake. </p><p>Everything is heavy and numb and he calls the one person she knows will understand all this pain. </p><p><em> I won’t forget you, Poppins. Even if you do, I’ll remember for the both of us, </em>she promises her lover. Nothing will stop her. </p><p>What happens next is blurry, a memory her grief soaked mind didn’t bother remembering, but she finds herself back in <em> The Leafling </em>and when she blinks, she’s in their bed, holding Dani’s pillow, sobbing. She doesn’t do much for a week, doesn’t open the shop, barely waters the plants. Everything is too much and all too empty at the same, and it’s like she is within a black hole, stretched too thin and everything sucked out of her, and even after a week in bed, Jamie doesn’t feel any better. She wanders their apartment and shop like a ghost, untethered and barely there and if customers ask how she’s doing, she doesn’t remember the auto-pilot response she gives back. Everything is just too much. </p><p>Owen checks in from time to time, all to0 understand of the grief of losing a lover, but he can still only reach part of her. </p><p>So Jamie still wanders and doesn’t let herself try and think too much. </p><p>Of her face, of her smile, of every little thing in their apartment that reminds Jamie of her.</p><p>But that’s impossible and the first couple of months are the worst. Dani is everywhere like a ghost, and yet, regardless of what she does, she cannot find her. Dani’s smell clings to her, but that soon fades and no matter what Jamie tries to do, Dani begins to fade from their apartment, from her life. And when the last bit of her lover’s smell is gone, Jamie traps herself in the bedroom for a week.   </p><p>Even after those five months, the gardener still wonders if perhaps she too is a ghost. If perhaps, she is dead but her mind hasn’t yet caught up to the fact so she walks waiting for it to all set it. Maybe she drowned at the bottom of the lake too and will remain there alongside her lover because there’s no other explanation for how empty she feels. How it clings to her bones like ivy, smothering out everything else. She wakes and she walks and she never forgets and it never seems to get better, and Jamie’s not sure if she’s alive or just faking it.</p><p>Because can you really still be alive if your heart is broken?</p><p>As a teen, she had always thought it to be ridiculous when couples spoke of heartbreak as if it were fatal, a silent killer that crept in when love was gone, crushing their hearts to dust. After all, she had lost people she dearly loved, but never once had it felt like this. But, staring at her ring as she sits at their battered kitchen table, Jamie realizes they are right.  All those heartbroken poets and singers who spoke about how the loss was the worst thing imaginable and it is. </p><p>It leaves her feeling like a ghost and Jamie finds herself drawn to mirrors, to reflections and puddles and it’s like the last days they had together. But this time she is in her lover’s position, looking at her reflection, trying to find the lady of the lake. Only, unlike her love, she can’t see her. All she sees is her reflection. </p><p>But Jamie keeps trying.</p><p>Even after she sells <em> The Leafling </em>and moves back to London, alone, she still keeps trying. She doesn’t wander back to the lake, but she makes her own instead. She leaves the tub filled with water, the sink too, and she looks for her lady in the lake. Dani. </p><p>And she checks in mirrors, in reflections on glass, and leaves the front door open just a crack in case her lover is late and has forgotten the keys. </p><p><em> Come back to me, </em> her heart says softly, and Jamie keeps waiting, keeps searching. Haunted by a ghost she cannot see, she still feels somewhat like a ghost. Her wounds have scarred over, and her grief is no longer as consuming as it is just ever-present, and while there are some good days, there are some bad ones too. </p><p>But she doesn’t forget, and she doesn’t stop searching.</p><p>And it eventually leads to her sitting by a fire, across from the woman who was once a little girl who her lover had sacrificed her life for. She may not remember who Jamie is, or what had happened, but they talk of ghost stories and Jamie offers her own. After all, she has held this story in for so long, and she wants others to remember something of Dani, even if they’ve never met her -- or in the case of Flora, Miles, and Owen, do not remember her quite as well. It’s a long story, but it’s a chilling ghost story about loss and love and obsession and grief, and when she gets to the end and it’s just her and Flora, the woman says something she didn’t quite expect. </p><p>“I liked your story, but I think you set it up wrong.”</p><p>Blinking, Jamie stares at her. “How so?” she asks, voice soft, almost sounding amused.</p><p>“You said it was a ghost story. It’s not. It’s a love story,” Flora tells her, hands fiddling ever so slightly with her white dress. </p><p><em> Ah </em>. “Same thing, really,” she admits, but Flora, ever-so-sure Flora, shakes her head firmly.  </p><p>"I disagree."</p><p>Those words she said stick to Jamie throughout the rest of their conversation. </p><p>Even after the two women talk about love, about the fear of loving your lover and outliving them, and Jamie gives her all the words she wished someone had told her then. </p><p>Even after all that, Flora’s words still follow her, back into the hotel room, leaving Jamie feeling a little less like a ghost.  Everything feels a bit clearer, a bit softer. They follow her as she checks the water in the tub, and in the sink, and when she moves a chair so it faces the door, leaving it open. As she sits in her chair, the words wrap around her, and Jamie feels less alone. </p><p>She eventually falls asleep in the chair, still waiting for her lover to return,  but before she’s slipped off to unconsciousness, Jamie swears she feels something rest against her shoulder. Like a hand, gentle and loving. She smiles. </p><p><em>It is a love story. </em> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Leave a comment if you liked it and if you didn't let me know what I could fix for the future!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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